My Ranting Space

Yesterday I told my ex everything. How I felt about her. How hard it is for me to try and get over her. How I still feel but I’m trying to ignore it. We then sat on the phone for about 45 minutes trying to make the decision whether or not to stay friends. I want to be friends with her more than anything. It fucking hurts too much not being around her or even being able to talk to her. But she says that it makes her so upset being friends with me because I’m with someone else. So we sat on the phone in silence waiting for someone to say that we shouldn’t be friends. I haven’t cried in a long time until that phone call. We finally made the decision and it hurt so fucking much. It felt like someone was wrenching out my fucking heart when I finally said goodbye to her. I don’t know what to do now. I’m supposed to be happy with my new girlfriend, and don’t get me wrong, I love being with her. I just can’t handle not having her in my life. There’s times I even think that maybe we can try again. But I hurt her so badly the first time, I don’t want to do that again. I don’t even deserve to have her.

Oh, and I still have literally no one to talk to about this.

I still think about her constantly, and I’m not sure if that’s healthy. I’ve came to terms with the fact that I’m not the right person for her, plus I think if I got back with her again her dad would seriously kill me. Like, full-on go to prison charged with murder kill me. And I’m really trying my hardest to be her friend because just the way she talks makes me smile without even taking into account she can be fucking hilarious. But it doesn’t help the fact that everything reminds me of her and I still feel somehow protective and… jealous. Some guy she vaguely spoke about while we were going out tried to kiss her a couple of weeks ago and I wanted to leave my house at like 2 in the morning and go to the party she was at and kick the living shit out of him. And then I was at a party with people from work and a guy I’m pretty good friends with said he wanted to try and take her home that night and I had to go to the bathroom and just sit and try not to cry/kick fuck out of a wall/him/everyone. I’ve never felt just sheer overwhelming rage and sadness and all those feelings rolled into one all at the same time and it hurt and I’m still not sure what to make of it. And spending time around her is hard, because she cries occasionally and it’s always about the same thing (me) and I want to hug her and make it all go away but I can’t because it was me that made her upset in the first place. And I want to tell her I know how she feels but I know she won’t believe me because somehow I’m emotionally stunted and don’t actually know how to show how I really feel to people. And now I’m with this girl who lives a good distance away and we haven’t been together long but fuck she’s amazing. But I still don’t feel like I can talk to her about things like this. What if I scare her away, or she thinks I’m not serious about being with her?

I literally have no one to talk to about these things. Literally no one. The only person who comes close to someone I can talk to is basically one of her best friends. I’m hardly going to spill all of this to her to then have it passed straight along. Fuck.

Now that I’m in a relationship again, I’m horrified that it’ll go the way my last one went. What if I hurt her as bad? I’m a shit person, and I’m scared of getting close to people, but at the same time I’m only really happy when I’m spending time around the people I really care about. This blog is only like 15 minutes old and I can feel it turning from a rant into just a general I-need-to-type-these-problems-out kind of blog. 

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Long distance relationships are balls. And it’s made even worse by the fact I can’t tell every person because I don’t want certain people to find out. Not that I’m ashamed, not at all. She’s amazing. But it could just disrupt pretty rocky friendships already. Fuck it all.

Gender stereotypes are idiotic. I like Glee and watching romcoms by myself and I have insecurities. They shouldn’t be restricted to females and gay guys.

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